2014: Year in Review

December 30, 2014
Day 244

In 2014, I made this public resolution on January 1st: "I will believe in myself more.  I will trust in the God-given spirit within me, and I will overcome fears and challenges, obstacles and roadblocks.  I will take leaps of faith into the unknown, and find myself growing more than I ever have before.  In 2014, I will transcend, I will dream, I will be.  And I hope you'll be there with me, to journey into the realm of possibility and imagination, where the highest mountains we've ever climbed will be conquered together!"

On January 9th, in the wee hours of the morning, I asked Andy to bring me to the hospital.  There was no evidence it was anything other than bad heartburn, but it scared me nonetheless, and made for a sour start to the new year.

On March 11th, I published my second book, The Papal Visitor, sequel to Book 1: The Uniter.

On April 23rd, I began writing my third book, the last book of the Heaven, Hell, and the Planet In Between series.

On May 1st, I turned 39 and began writing this daily blog.  Today is the 244th consecutive day I've published an entry here.  To date, my blog entries have gotten over 7,000 views.  My most popular blog entry was on November 23rd, called My Buddhist Calling, which has received 131 page views.  My least popular entry was on June 1st, called June's Many Meanings, which got only 2.  (My views aren't counted.)

On June 14th, Andy and I attended the Long Island Pride Parade, and when a small band of sick men with signs walked past, I shouted, "God loves everyone!"  The confrontation that followed was tense and scary, but I was happy to have said my peace in response to their hate, and encouraged them to just get lost and leave everyone alone before I called the police (who were already around the area to protect us).

On June 29th, Andy and I marched in the New York City Pride Parade.  It was Andy's first time marching and my second, and we both had a wonderful time!

From July 18th to July 23rd, Andy and I vacationed in beautiful Colorado.  We stayed with our great friends Isobel and Sam for half the time, and at a hotel in the Rockies the other half.

On July 20th, we made a special trip up to Laramie, Wyoming.  Why such a long drive out of the way for a little town in Wyoming?  Because Laramie is the place a 21-year-old gay man was attacked and left for dead when I was 22 and still coming out of the closet.  Matthew Shepard's story shook me then and always has, and he's become an important character in my book series about heaven.  You can read about our trip to Laramie on my blog entry here.

On August 11th, I learned Robin Williams had committed suicide.  Celebrities we've never met die all the time, and we feel the sadness of it for moments or maybe even hours.  His death shook so many of us for weeks.  I wrote this about Robin: "The smoke of a burned-out candle is not the candle. Tonight, I'm so sad to hear Robin Williams has left us. None of us can understand why people get to the point of taking their own lives, but for those of us who have been directly impacted by suicide, we are all too aware of the unending impact it makes on us. That said, again, the smoke of a burned-out candle is NOT the candle. The entirety of light that still is Robin will shine on forever. We cry for the smoke of this moment, but we know his light shines on."

On August 13th, we found out Andy's Uncle Fai had been rushed to the hospital with a serious and possibly fatal stomach condition. 

From August 23rd to September 1st, I enjoyed a 10-day trip to Ludlow, Vermont, my home away from home.

On October 1st, I was a guest speaker at two classes at Nassau Community College, thanks to the generous invitation from my friend Bill, who teaches there.

On October 10th, my Aunt Nancy died.

On October 12th, Andy's Uncle Fai died.

From October 20th through October 28th, I served on a federal jury in Brooklyn.  Talk about a life experience!  Wow!  Check out my blog during those days to read some of my reflections.

From November 1st to November 30th, I participated in NaNoWriMo, which stands for National Novel Writing Month.  In the month of November, each participant is asked to write 50,000 words of a new novel.  I didn't think it was possible at first, but by month's end, I'd written 60,112 words.

From November 15th to November 17th, Andy and I visited our friends Cherri, Maria, Mark, and Robert in Columbia, Maryland, and made a special visit to Andy's Great Uncle Nilo as well.  Nilo is a celebrated artist whose work still graces the halls of the Pentagon, as well as air force bases worldwide.  We purchased some of his paintings, and if you're at all interested in doing so too, I encourage you to check out his work available for sale on his website.

On December 3rd, I received a new computer via FedEx, my first new computer since 2005.

These are not my only major moments of 2014, but they are the lion's share of them.  Writing these out has been a wonderful exercise for me, and very helpful as I look ahead to resolutions for 2015.

The potential for anything

August 31, 2014
Day 123

If evening is the time to allow our eyes to see unexpected light, and collect unexpected wisdom, morning helps us see what's right there in front of us all the time.

Here in the Green Mountains of Vermont, it's hard not to see all the beauty of nature around us at all times, but in the early morning hours here on Lake Pauline, I look out and see not just a pretty mountain scene, but all the potential for my day too.

As the early morning fog wafts across the lake and up the mountainside, it's as if the Earth itself is being recreated all over again.  Birds awaken and begin to call out, the sun climbs up over the top of the mountain rise, and takes a peek at what's going on, and all of nature, in all its chirps, squawks, quacks, and yawns opens their eyes to see what this new day might bring.

Today is Sunday, August 31, 2014, and it's 7:54 AM as I write this.  Tomorrow, I make my journey back down to Long Island, but today?  Today I have one more chance.

One more chance to experience a full day up here in Vermont, one more chance to appreciate all the beauty of this part of my beautiful country, one more chance to breathe in the mountain air and feel, as best I can, at one with nature.

Who knows what tomorrow may bring?  But for that matter, who knows what today might bring?  So as I greet this new day with you, let's both of us make a pact: let's make this new day something special.  Let's appreciate the potential for anything today.  Let us allow the new day to fully seize us, as much as we seize it.  And let us appreciate the power of ourselves in a world that's just now beginning to finally wake up.

Those quiet moments

August 30, 2014
Day 122

Even though I'm up here in the mountains, staying on a beautiful lake and basking in all that vacation brings, this isn't a retreat.  I'm here with family, and we're all trying to have a fun vacation.  Even though there are many quiet moments, they're not constant, so I try to grab them whenever I can.

Last night, I went out onto the deck around 8 PM, and laid down on one of the chaise lounge chairs.  The night sky had not yet fully revealed itself in all its glory, but a few of the brightest stars were already very clear.

I know so much of what I write is something you've heard before somewhere else, but I hope this reminder helps: sometimes only in the darkness can some light reveal itself.  We find our way well enough when the sun is shining and everything is hunky-dory, but when the day is at its darkest, new kinds of light are shone on everything.

In the darkness of 8 PM last night, I could still make out the lake and mountain rise in front of me.  I could see the occasional bat scavenging over the lake.  And I could still see all my surroundings, just differently.  In the darkness of evening, your eyes don't search for birds in the trees or fish in the water, and in the full darkness of nighttime, your eyes only look up, searching for new light, and new revelations.  The darker it gets, the more stars you begin to see.

Just as I escape the city lights to my resting place in the Green Mountains of Vermont, we all find clearer thinking and clearer sight sometimes when we're surrounded by the darkness.  Those quiet moments alone, away from the sounds of others, whether literal or metaphoric, are waiting for us everywhere.  To shut your brain down and begin to really see clearly, you need to shut off all the external distractions around you as best you can.

Your mind might still want to flip through a War And Peace-length novel of distracting thoughts, but if you turn out the lights and sit apart for a while, you might just convince that annoying brain of yours to listen to the silence, and appreciate the darkness.  As the darkness grows, the stars shine brighter, and they have something special they want to whisper to you, and you alone.  Give them a chance to tell you their story.

Clearing Your Mind

Photo from my first morning here, Sunday, August 24, 2014.

August 27, 2014
Day 119

Before I began my Vermont vacation, my mind was feeling ultra stressed.  A large confluence of issues and causes was creating a high-blood-pressure, low-comfort annoyance, and a headache in my soul.

Now that I'm here, I'm feeling more and more like my true self again, the person I always think I am, but not always in touch with.

Obviously though, Vermont is not someplace I go too often.  Though I'm sometimes here twice a year, more often than not, it's just this one week or so at the end of summer.  And I'm guessing for most who will read this, any mountain getaway is not as easy or as often as you'd like it to be.

Nature is everywhere around us, of course, and though we can't always find a mountain vista, or a fresh mountain lake to sit beside with our coffee or cocktail, we can find clear thinking and a refreshed soul if we just make the time to sit alone apart from everything for a while.  And by everything, I mean your phone, your TV, your radio, and every other piece of electronic distraction you might want to use.  Don't bring ANY of it on your walk or trip.

I have my netbook computer with me on this vacation, so I can keep up with my blog writing, but I've mostly stayed away from it while I'm here.  I'm also here with some of my family members, so I have to walk away from people too.  Even the talking distracts me from my meditation and reflection.  Sometimes I just walk out on the dock or find a chair away from everyone, but other times I'll just take a drive or a walk to get away.

Clearing your mind is easier than you think, but you have to want it to happen, and you have to make every effort to relieve tension and stress from your brain.  Invariably, I'll get a response like, "Yeah Sean, but for some of us, it's just harder."  I understand.  We can work on that together though if you'd like.  My "Be still and know that I am God" meditation helps me enormously, as does just listening instead of talking.  Listen to the sounds around you--every sound--and don't think about the sounds, just hear them.  Be a passive soul among active souls, allowing the earth and all its creatures--and people--to envelop you and exist around you.

And when all else fails, practice, practice, practice.  You can't be a Zen master on the turn of a dime, so lower your expectations if you think it's that easy.  At the same time, double your efforts to attain inner peace.  If you're failing so often, work even harder at it.  Silence yourself and the noise around you more often.  Be.  Be.  Be.  Do or do not; there is no try.

All these creatures, great and small

August 25, 2014
Day 117

One of the fun things about making the trip up here to Vermont is that I see a whole lot more wildlife than I do back home.  On the trip up, I saw a deer, two groundhogs, a turkey, and the occasional horses and cows.

Since I've been here, I've mostly been close to the lake, so I'm more limited.  Still, I've seen ducks, finches, a cormorant, a blue herring, some crows, and even an eagle briefly.

None of that makes up for the creatures I want to see though!  For 30 years, I've seen signs for moose and bears up here.  The number of these creatures I've seen?  Zero!  Now I'm not saying I really want to see a bear, especially if I'm not in a car at the time, but you'd think in Vermont I'd see some moose by now, right?  The signs are all over the place, and you can't walk through a gift shop up here without seeing all manner of items with moose decals all over them.  Clearly, there are moose around here somewhere!

So though I'm happy seeing the cool birds and all, let me be very clear: I want to see a damn moose, already!  I don't care how many antlers it has, or even how far away it is from me; I just need to see it, damn it!  I don't need to photograph it or watch it eat.  I don't need to see it run away or do anything extraordinary.  I just need the frickin' thing to let me see it!

Moose, I know you're out there.  I will find you.  You've managed to evade me this long, but the time for hiding is now past.  This is the year.  I just know it!!!

(I hope.)

Vermont Vision

Lake Pauline in Ludlow, Vermont. August 24, 2014 around 8-9 AM. No filter.

August 24, 2014
Day 116

There's just something about this place up here in Vermont that makes us call it our home away from home.  I've been coming here for the past 30 years, minus four years in the late 90s when I was a monk.

The house we stay in is hardly four-star, but no one would ever advertise it as such either.  The accommodations are simple but comfortable, and the quality of services in the house would best be described as acceptable.  But no one comes here for the material used in the kitchen countertops, the majesty of the bathrooms, or the size of the TV anyway.  We come here for the atmosphere, inside and out, the memories and memories-in-the-making inside and out, and of course, the location.  Yes, location, location, location!

This view we have here is a constant, even though it changes all the time.  There's always a different "look" out there, whether it be in the way the water's moving, the place the ducks feel like playing, the number of (or lack of) people swimming or rowing by, and even the way the light hits the mountain.  Our singular view actually has a million different versions, and you never know what you'll see from one day to the next, or even one moment to the next.

So I think that's my lesson for today: vision.  Just as the view changes here constantly, so too does my life change from one day to the next, one year to the next.  I've got the same basic location in life all the time, but the scenery still manages to shift around me.  And maybe I'm learning slowly to look at things differently too.  No matter what stresses or challenges life brings my way, I always have the free will and free choice to look at it all however I'd like.  I can see the clouds and the stillness, and feel lonely if I'd like, or I can look around and feel the glory of nature in all its beautiful disguises surrounding me at all times.

This journey to age 40 is once again a journey of perspective.  And right now, especially heightened by this beautiful location, my perspective calls for sunny skies and lots and lots of happy thoughts.

Exquisite and Fanfreakintastic

My brother Billy and my Aunt Jane out on the dock (previous year).

August 23, 2014
Day 115

We're here!!!  Back in good ol' Ludlow, and basking in the beauty of Lake Pauline!

I asked my brother Billy, my sister-in-law Tricia, and my Aunt Jane what I should title this blog, and Billy suggested both of the words I used, so thank you to Billy!

When I plugged in the GPS for my trip today (even though I could do it blindfold if I had to), it said I'd arrive at 12:24.  Christmas Eve!  Ahh, all the expectation of what would soon be mine!

We come up to Vermont every summer at this time, the week leading up to Labor Day (first Monday in September in the states).  It's always extra special, because we've waited all summer for this experience, and because we know autumn awaits us on the other side.

How do we describe this place, this magical, beautiful place in the green mountains of Vermont?  Exquisite!  Fan-freakin-tastic!  And maybe a bit peaceful too?  I think so.

Our time here will last almost 10 days in all, so though most reading this cannot be with us, I hope I can bring you along in some small way over the next week or so!

I need you, Vermont!

Click for full view and then "x" out in the top right to return.

August 22, 2014
Day 114

Have you ever noticed how some vacations arrive right on time?  They seem to be timed perfectly to coincide with high stress points in your life, and are there as a treat at the end of a dark corridor.  Maybe it's like when you need to pee, and the urge only increases with your proximity to the bathroom.  Your urge to go on vacation only multiplies the closer you are to that moment.

Today, Friday the 22nd of August, I am in that moment.  My vacation awaits me beginning tomorrow morning around 8 or 9 AM. 

The last two weeks have been extra, extra crazy.  A family picnic, a Broadway musical, a midnight show at Studio 54, a New York International Fringe Festival play, a pool party, a lunch out with coworkers, and a wonderful Shamanism class: these were the highlights.  All fun, but all kept me busy this way and that, and were sadly punctuated by some less than happy occasions in between. 

Andy's Uncle Fai has been in the hospital with a critical illness starting in his stomach, possibly related to food poisoning.  He's gone from critical to serious to critical to serious a few times now, and though he's stable and possibly/hopefully mending now, the concerns are still high.  Andy and I have visited him in the hospital almost every day, and it's been very difficult seeing Fai like this.  He's only 67, but has resembled a man in his 90s at times.  Tubes everywhere, bags of medicine going in, other bags collecting what comes out, his hair all over the place, his eyes and mouth opening wide in what appears to be drug-induced visions all around him: it isn't pretty.

We've also got Andy's parents staying with us for the past week or so, and I must confess, that has also been quite difficult for me.  (Don't tell them, though!)  We love them both very much, but our small house is just that much smaller with double the people living there, especially with their different schedules and all of our hospital-visit time throwing things up in the air too.

Suffice it to say, I need my vacation!!!  Andy's uncle seems to be slowly on the mend, and both Andy and his aunt seem okay with me taking my departure, so I have no guilt in my escape.  I think having one less person in my house will help everyone a little bit anyway.  I've mostly kept my temper in check, but there have been moments when the thermometer on my head burst a little, my blood pressure spiked, my sleeplessness made me cranky, and, and, and...

Yes, Vermont!  I need you so much right now!  I can't wait to see the beautiful Lake Pauline again, as well as that adorable little town of Ludlow.  I am already craving the sacred peace and quiet my mind and body need so much right now, and all of it will be there for me starting tomorrow! 

Some vacations arrive right on time, don't they?  This one here has arrived right on schedule! 

So keep an eye on this blog now for my daily updates from Vermont, where I'll hopefully be writing a lot about peace, nature, and plenty of nice fun stuff like that!