Conquering self-ageism

Not so scary really when you think of it this way.

June 11, 2014.  Day 42/365

I often tell people I'm not worried about aging, but I think writing a blog every single day for a whole year leading up to my 40th birthday is proof that I'm lying to myself.  I do care, and here's why...

Turning 40 should be a milestone, because everything should be a milestone.  Graduating high school is a milestone.  Graduating college is a milestone.  Getting your first job is a milestone.  Meeting your spouse, marrying your spouse, and having your first child together: all of them are milestones. 

A milestone of any kind is a chance to celebrate everything you've gone through to reach that moment.  When Andy and I celebrated 12 years together this past December, my mind wasn't on what would happen in the 13th year.  My mind was on how grateful I was for so many wonderful moments I'd shared with him up to that point.  I thought of mostly the good and even some of the bad, but above all I thanked God for the gift of this wonderful guy in my life.  Reaching the milestone isn't about the day after, but about all the days before.

But for all my happy moments, all my still-looking-good-for-39 gleeful days, I'm still a victim of ageism.  People judge me.  They laugh at me for my taste in music, or the way I dress, or my failure to see Hunger Games in the movie theater.  They may not say so, but I know they're out there just hating me for who I am!  Laughing at me!  Mocking me!  Getting together with their fellow younger people and just LOLing their full heads of hair off at how dumb and old I am!!!

Well, alright...maybe not.

I'm getting carried away, as we all do sometimes.  We see the world as us-versus-them whether or not we want to, whether or not it really is.  And we judge ourselves much harsher than others judge us.  It's just natural, and it's quite normal.  We are, all of us, self-ageists. 

We look at where we are, we celebrate our lives and our marriages, our kids and our grand-kids, our houses and our careers, but then right there in the midst of our happiest moments, we look off at others with envy and a sigh.  "I used to be that young," we think, and "I remember those days without a care in the world, just running around barefoot in the grass". 

It's not all that morbid though, this ageist thinking.  It's just once again an opportunity for perspective.  Life changes.  We change.  Our hair slowly changes color over time and recedes.  Our joints tighten up and crack more often.  Our desire to run around barefoot in the grass is replaced by our desire to sit back in a chair and watch others do it.  It's natural.

So as I once again pause to reflect on my age, and remind myself to stop being self-ageist, and stop worrying about others being ageist to me, I am also once again touched by a profound sense of gratitude.  I'm grateful to have reached 39.  My friend Sal didn't.  My mother's first husband didn't.  Matthew Shepard didn't.  10-year-olds with cancer didn't.  For every moment I complain about getting older, I'm reminded of the blessing of this age.  It's just 39.  And soon, it'll be just 40.  It's a somewhere-in-the-middle age.  A somewhere-past-youth age.  A somewhere age, like every other. 

Somewhere out there, people remember their loved ones who left us too soon.  Somewhere out there, people remember their own lives back when they were 39.  Somewhere out there, people think about what their lives will be like when they reach 39.  Somewhere, right here, I'm still thinking about it.  And I'm smiling.  And I'm happy.  And I think that life is really, really good.  And I should stop worrying so much, and start laughing a bit more.  And maybe sometime soon, I'll go running through the grass barefoot, and appreciate the sun still shining brightly overhead.

Happy Birthday, Andy!

May 22, 2014.

Andy and I have been together over 12 years now, and I've become a happier and happier person because of him.

Today's his birthday, so I want to spend today's reflection telling you a little bit about him.  Maybe you already know some of this, or maybe it'll all come as a surprise.  Either way, I hope you enjoy reading about this incredible man I'm blessed to have in my life.  [The picture I'm attaching here is from our 2012 trip to Maui.  You should be able to click on the photo for a larger size too.  And then click the X in the top right to go back here if you do.]

Born in Trinidad, Andy is the son of a Trini dad with European roots, and a Chinese mom, who actually left Communist China with her mother when she was just a little girl.  When Andy was only eight years old, his parents took his brother and him out of school, and they all moved up to Long Island, New York, where he's been living ever since.  His tastes in food and really in life reflect his background and parents.  Perhaps it's yet another reason we get along so well too.  As a monk, I learned to see the world as an outsider would, and as an immigrant from Trinidad (just like my dad was from Ireland too), Andy learned right away how different America was from his roots back home in the islands.

He doesn't like being in the spotlight, but that's one of the most lovable things about him (among many, many more of course).  He's just a sweet, gentle, loving soul, who gives so much more of himself than he gets in return.  Andy loves watching the news, the latest reality police or criminal-chasing show, and especially Anthony Bourdain.  If you walked into our living room on any given evening, you'd probably find Andy laying back on the couch with his legs crossed, one flip flop hanging off his foot, as his mouth is curved into a smile at whatever cool or silly thing he just saw on TV.  He'd tell you about what just happened on the show if you walked in late, and encourage you to see what's going on for yourself. 

The thing most people don't know about Andy is that he's a silent sponge, hearing everything you say even if he doesn't comment in the moment, but who will happily toss back a memory or phrase a week or even a month later when you least expect it.  He's actually really, really hysterical when he does this, especially because it often comes from left field.  One moment he seems very serious, and the next you're just howling with laughter at the verbal jab he's just thrown back at you. 

Of course he's made fun of my love of Broadway a hundred different ways, but never with animosity, always just in a playful way.  He might suggest without a smile that I could go to yet another Broadway show, or, if I'd like, I could pay the bills instead.  The smile comes a beat later, and lets me know that as serious as he was being about the need to pay the bills and save money, he still doesn't hate me for enjoying Broadway so much.

And that's his style in all things really.  He's this source of love, the sunshine in my life, who's happy to keep pouring out his love, even when I'm not appreciating him or the needs of our household as much as I should be. 

He's a happy, loving man who wishes the world and her people were nicer, and he gets genuinely angry when people are bigoted, racist, homophobic, or otherwise just hateful to other human beings.  He aches to be a high schooler again now, only because he sees how much better the world has gotten since we were in school.  And through it all, he's just a passionate, wonderful, sweet, gentle-natured soul who everyone enjoys talking with.

And so today, May 22nd, is his birthday. 

When I ask him what he'd like, he most often replies, "You don't have to get me anything."  And he means it!  He'll love your gift, whatever it is, and he'll thank you and appreciate it, but he's genuinely fine without the attention and love shown to him. (Yet another reason why he should get oodles of love and attention today!)

Andy is a sweet, beautiful guy, and my love for him has no bounds.  He is the sunshine in my life, the joy in my smile, and just the greatest love I've ever known.  Happy Birthday, Andy!  May your joy of life only double in the year ahead, and may everything wonderful always come your way!!!

Aging Reverse

May 5, 2014.

When I was still in my early 20s, my dad would tell me not to wear a hat too often, as I might lose my hair faster.  He'd also encourage me to not put too much "product" in my hair for the same reason.  He may have been right, or I might just be lucky, who knows.  My mother would often chastise me for cracking my knuckles.  "You'll have bad arthritis later on if you keep doing that," she'd warn, and I eventually listened.  And I certainly heard enough stories about health scares and the like to keep me aware of the fact that I needed to lose weight before I got too used to being a certain size. 

I don't consciously try to look younger than I am, but I do very consciously stay aware of how I'm doing, and a healthy diet and exercise routine has helped me immensely too.  No, I'm not so delusional as to think I can still pass for a teenager, but I'll occasionally pass for a 28-year-old, and that'll do!  The picture I've attached to this blog was taken this past weekend, as I celebrated my 39th birthday.  I think if you showed me this picture when I turned 30 or even 35, I'd be astonished, not just for the weight loss (I've dropped about 40 pounds), but in general just because of my overall look.  Now my ego easily flies off the handle, so I have to turn this around quickly now and say...

We can all reverse the so-called aging process.  Sleep more, eat better, exercise, and most importantly, be joyful!  Life is great!  Stress and anxiety will gray your hair faster, and sadness and hatred will age you all over!  Optimism and happiness are proven ingredients in the reverse-aging process.  No, we cannot change nature, or stop the natural aging we'll all experience.  We cannot stop horrible events from coming into our lives, bringing more stress and sadness than we can manage.  But if you truly wish to stay looking and feeling young, you need to pay attention to how you treat your body and your mind. 

I'm no Benjamin Button, and I'm clearly no Brad Pitt either!  But I believe the small, gentle ways I've taken care of my soul, my mind, and my body in the past few years are crucial reasons why I feel so healthy: healthy in body, healthy in mind, and healthy in soul.  I'm far from perfect.  I mess up quite a lot.  But when I do mess up, I own what I did wrong, and I over-analyze the situation.  I learn from the experience, and I make sure the manure that came into my life from the mess-up will help fertilize a better me.  It may not be the only way to stay young, and it may not be the only way to slow down the aging process, but this optimism and joy has helped me remain a happier human being. 

I feel like that's working for me.  And I feel like it would work for you too.  You cannot change it all overnight, but you can incrementally add steps to make things better.  Progress, not perfection.  I could spend pages and pages talking about all the things I've done wrong, and how I cannot undo those wrongs for as long as I will live, but instead I focus on positivity and inspiration.  It keeps me happy, and my aim is to try my best to inspire others, and make others happy. 

This is the 12th step.  It's the part of us that gives back once we learn how far we've come.  It's the part of us that refuses to allow the imperfection of the past to continue to cloud the beautiful day we walk through today.  We cannot stop the hard winters from hurting us, but we can always believe in the warm summers ahead.  It's this kind of optimism that will keep us moving forward with grace, and always help us feel younger than our mathematical years.