We're Rooting For You!

February 14, 2015
Day 290

In the past few days, I've been going back and forth in my head about what to write today.  My goal on occasions such as this is to inspire, not depress, yet Valentine's Day seems to be what psychologists today would call a trigger.  Well wishes and inspirational sayings don't go very far if you deliver them the wrong way, or seem too smarmy or hopeful about it.  A coupled person giving a single person advice is, I've learned, extremely dangerous.  Sometimes I succeed well, and sometimes I fail miserably.

So what to write?

The one thought that seems to have risen above the clouds in my brain is a good one, I think, so I hope you will appreciate the sentiment behind my words...

Andy and I are always saying how we don't understand how so many of our friends are still single, especially the ones who are actively hoping and trying to not be so.  We see they have so much going for them: beauty, personality, and soul beauty too.  They are in our lives because we love them, and because there truly is so much to love about them. 

It may not always be helpful for us to repeat the phrase that's probably already going through their heads, that we can't comprehend how they're still single, but we genuinely just don't get it.  How can someone who makes us feel this special and happy--someone who lights up our lives as a friend--how can they not be coupled up already?  We just don't get it.  Of course there are a million nuances to a person, let alone the stacked up nuances of two people on opposite sides of a small dinner table from each other, but again, we know our many single friends, and we know how awesome they are.  We see their awesome, we see their beauty, we see their greatness in so many ways, and then we see they're single, not by choice.

To the ones who are single by choice, we applaud them for finding or choosing happiness outside of a traditional relationship.  No one should be made to feel less than special in any way because they choose to be single.  But for the friends we've known and know who are single, and not by choice, we're just left scratching our heads.  We want all the happiness of a partner or spouse that they seem to want for themselves, and we can't imagine why their prince or princess charming hasn't freakin' shown up yet!

To all of our unhappily single friends out there this Valentine's Day, please know we're rooting for you all the time.  You're in our lives because we see how incredibly awesome and awesomely incredible you are!  We hope you find your someone special soon, but if not, know we really believe it's just got to be rotten luck!  No one as wonderful as you are deserves to be without someone special to tell you how wonderful you are on a daily basis.  And in the temporary absence of that someone special, please know how much we love you, and how wonderful you truly are!

God's a Softy in the Garden of Eden

Apple tree at the Weston Priory, August 2014

January 15, 2015
Day 260

Every year when I travel to Ludlow, Vermont, I make a brief trip to the Weston Priory one town over.  It's a short drive from where I stay, maybe 15 or 20 minutes at most, and because the priory is at the top of a mountain rise, it's always so beautifully quiet up there.

I like to walk around the grounds in meditation, stop in to pray a bit in their chapel, and just completely bask in the serenity of the area.

Fallen apples from the tree at the Weston Priory, August 2014

This past August, I noticed the apple tree beside their large pond, and I took some photos of it.  There was a lesson here, I believed, but I wasn't sure yet what it was.  I noted not just the apples on the tree, but the fallen ones as well, and that's when my mind began to wander...and wonder.

(In the Garden of Eden story, the fruit of the tree is never described as being apples, but the idea seems to have stuck, so let's go with it.)

The tree in the center of the Garden of Eden was actually two trees: "in the middle of the garden were the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil" (Genesis 2:9).  God commanded Adam not to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, saying that when he eats it, he will surely die (Genesis 2:17).  As we know though, he did eat it, just after Eve, and neither of them died...not even "surely"! 

They were punished though, right?  Eve and all women afterward were condemned to ridiculous amounts of pain when giving birth, and Adam and all men after him would have to struggle to find food and support their families.  Soon afterward, God banished them both from the Garden altogether, even going so far as to station a cherubim and a flaming sword to keep them from going back in to taste the fruit of the Tree of Life.

I want to write so much about all this right now, but for your sake and mine, let's just look at one tiny piece of this story: God promised they would die...and they didn't.  For all his flaming swords and cherubim, all his threats and tantrums, the God of Genesis showed his soft side from the very start.

As God, he already knew childbirth would be painful.  Eve didn't.  He already knew men would have to toil and sweat over the land to find their food and feed their families.  Adam didn't.  It's as if a mother punished her 5-year-old by saying, "That's it!  From now on, you shall go to school and learn!  You will begin to age and your body will grow larger!"  How would a child be any the wiser? 

That's right, the God we see pictured at the very start of Genesis is a softy.  He's all bark and no bite.  He's deeply angered by the dangers the serpent posed to his children, and though he yells at and even threatens them, he doesn't kill them, as he said he would.  Instead, he moves them to a safer place, and he keeps on watching over and protecting them elsewhere.

Apple trees are gorgeous, and their attractive fruit is right there staring us in the face.  But a simple glance down at the ground, as Adam and Eve knew, will show you how quickly fruit can spoil once it's fallen.  God just wanted what was best for his kids.  He even tried to warn them.

The Day After

Our house this morning, 12/26/14.

December 26, 2014
Day 240

'Twas the day after Christmas,
and all through my home,
not a thing was occurring,
not even a comb.

Andy and I thought and said the same exact thing when we woke up: "the day after".  Neither of us had to work, so we enjoyed a healthy sleep-in this morning.  When I did finally grab my mountain-climbing gear to lug myself out of bed, I walked outside with a long, loud yawn, turned up the heat, and looked around at the aftermath before me.  Little piles of presents here and there, Christmas cards and rolls of wrapping paper not needed now until next year, and everywhere I looked, I saw Christmas Past, right behind me now in the rear-view mirror.

Well, not exactly.  We keep our Christmas decorations up until early to mid-January, so much of the magic and light of the holiday stays around now for a while.  The mess that greeted me this morning will get tidied up in the hours (days) ahead, and we'll keep enjoying the beauty of the season for a while longer.

In this mean time though, I feel immense gratitude, not just for presents received yesterday, but for all the incredible time I spent with family.  I don't think I've laughed so much or felt so loved as I did yesterday in quite a long time.  It was just a beautiful, awesome, wonderful day spent with so many people I love so much.

So wherever you are today as you read this, I wish for you days like I had yesterday.  The aftermath of Christmas is often a messy house and a tall stack of reality to return to, but there's also a mist of love that will last for a long, long while!

10 years later

October 15, 2014
Day 168

It seems so wrong that you're gone so long, but feels so right that we knew your light.

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day my mom died, and in my mind, I can't help but see one of those movie cuts where the graphic on the screen boldly announces: 10 YEARS LATER. 

It's 10 years later, and where are we now?  Homes have been bought, babies were born, other family members have died, relationships blossomed and bloomed, and sometimes ended too, people have gotten married, gone on incredible vacations, experienced life-altering issues of all kinds, and in a thousand other ways, life has just happened.  And you have missed them all...at least from this side of the curtain.

You lived over 68 years on this Earth before you left us, and for those of us who literally owe our lives to you, you were so much more than just Marilyn, Mom, Grammy, Aunt Marilyn, Mrs. Dougan, or Mrs. Brennan.  You were our everything. 

In your 68 years, you taught us all so much by smiling and loving life, despite all the many challenges and hardships you experienced.  You were 9 months' pregnant with your fifth child when at just 29 years old, your husband was killed on Thanksgiving Day weekend.  How does any person go through something like that, and still hold on so tightly to faith and joy?  You did.

But it was never your sorrows that made you who you were.  It was your love.  You hated when your children fought with each other, and cried when anyone hurt you in any way.  Through your huge heart, and years of pain, we saw the pure soul you always were, the gentle woman caught up in all the uncomfortable entanglements of life.

It's now been 10 years since you left us here on Earth, but we know you still watch over us from Heaven.  You arrived there after your heart, which had given so much for so long, finally gave out.  It loved so much, it gave until it stopped.

On the way to the hospital, you suggested the medics drive down to the beach instead.  The beach would be so much nicer than the hospital, you told them.  And then when I saw you in the hospital, I told you things would be okay, that it was good that the doctors caught this heart of yours when they did, that they'd make you all better now.  I said this a couple of times, and you just responded by saying, "You keep saying that," with a knowing that really took me back, and still does. 

You knew.  You knew this would happen, that your time to leave had finally arrived.  We know not the day nor the hour, but you knew the moment was near. 

My faith is strong, Mom, so I know I'll see you again one day, but I sure do miss you in the mean time.  You gave me everything, not just my life itself, but my heart too.  You taught me everything you knew, and hoped I'd do my best to be a good person.  I'm trying my best, Mom.  It's not easy, but I'm trying.  If I'm ever half the angel you were, I'll be a lucky guy.  Thank you for everything.  We miss you and love you very much.  Until we meet again, please protect and guide us always. 

Colorado, Day 3: Trip to Laramie, WY

July 20, 2014
          Day 81

It was always the plan.

Laramie, Wyoming was close enough by car to the Boulder, Colorado area, so I wanted to make a kind of pilgrimage there, to honor Matthew Shepard's spirit by sending our warm wishes out into the wind.

There was no need to go to the exact place those guys took Matthew and left him for dead.  There was no need to go down the street that would take us to the other street and the land where he was found.  A brief search on Google and then Google Earth showed me the spot, and just seeing it on my computer screen was enough.  So today would just be about driving through town, understanding the area a bit, and simply seeing the place he was found...from a distance.

The way we die doesn't matter.  None of us would want our loved ones to focus on our method of death or the place we happened to give up our spirit.  Yet this place means something to so many of us.  It's a place we think of when we think of Matthew.  And Matthew is a boy we think of when we think of the uphill climb we're all still on.

So how is the place?  How is Laramie?  The answer might surprise you.

Laramie is, for lack of a better word, average.  It's just a quiet little town surrounded by many, many, many miles of quieter fields and hills.  And the people we met in Laramie were likewise...average.  That is to say, they are just like you and me.  They were friendly and kind, warm and gracious.  They didn't kill Matthew Shepard.  They didn't even want him hurt.  They just live there, and they just grimace like the rest of us when the issue is raised.  (We didn't bring it up, but you can tell these people would not be happy to have their quiet little Wyoming town remembered for anything other than the beauty of the area, the stillness of the land, and the simple, happy life they all live.)

As we left Laramie, Andy put it best.  We were thinking about the event that night that ultimately took Matthew Shepard's life, and thinking about what we'd just experienced in the town of Laramie (a brief drive through town, and a short lunch).  As we pulled onto the highway, Andy said, "These aren't bad people at all here; they're just like us.  They've got all the same stores we do too."  His point was simple and perfect.  We're all the same anywhere you go on this earth.  There are people who do bad things, and there are people who do good things.

So I guess my point is, what have you heard about the town of Laramie before or since Matthew Shepard's murder there?  I'm thinking, like me, you'd answer nothing at all.  Laramie is just a little town where on one night many years ago, a horrible thing happened at the hands of two very disturbed young men.  But on every day since then (and it's already almost 16 years now), life has gone on the same, and nothing horrible has made the news.

Laramie doesn't deserve to be branded a place of hate.  It's simply a place where hate once happened.  And because our planet is so vast and filled with so many kinds of people, it's helpful to remember that just as hate will show up here and there, goodness will prevail much more often.

Matthew was taken from us through a bad act 16 years ago, but Matthew's spirit reminds us of so much more good found every day since...in his name, because of his life, and through his never-ending legacy.

The smoke of a burnt-out candle is not the candle, and the bright light of Matt's life is clearly shining on...forever.

The Direct Connection

July 6, 2014
        Day 67

There are a few things I'd like to say right now, but first and foremost, let me be clear: I do have a direct connection to God.  I don't talk about it often, but yeah, it's true.  God and me are tight.

That said, I don't have a phone I can pick up and call God on, and neither can I receive calls from God on my cell phone or on any mobile device.  Perhaps the technology will be there in a post-Planet In Between world, but we aren't there yet unfortunately.

We actually all do, however, have a direct connection within us.  It isn't a phone line or an e-mail address.  It's not even a Morse code or a smoke signal we can send.  But we do have the technology to talk to God and Heaven at any time, day or night.  Their hotline is open 24/7...even on Christmas!  (Though there may be a short delay during some World Cup matches, so please stay on the line for the next available operator.)

Inside each human being, and quite possibly inside some of our pets too, we have a built-in transmitter that connects us directly to the creator of the universe.  We don't have to ever use it, as many agnostics and atheists choose not to (and that's okay!), but we do have the power.  It came with our operating system, and still works on all models.  The instructions, too, are easy.  All we need to do is talk, or even just think about what we want to say, and the message will be received.  That's it!  That's all you have to do!

Here's the only teeny, tiny catch though: you'll get no response.  God will hear you loud and clear, even if the connection seems muddled on your end, but God won't do anything about it.  I'm sorry, I really am, but it seems to be the way things work. 

Sure, some people will tell you that God does get involved and does save some lives here and there, but when they say this, they're actually painting a pretty damned cruel version of God.  If God helps save one life and ignores another, if God saves a bus filled with children on one day and not on another, or even if God saves three thousand people from disaster on one afternoon and lets another fifty thousand perish elsewhere on the next day, what kind of messed up reality would that be? 

If you believe your direct connection is better than another person's, you're not just full of yourself.  You're really, really full of yourself.

Is there a direct connection?  Yes.  Do we all have it?  Yes.  Do some of us have better connections than others that can make God answer our prayers and requests more than others?  No.  That would just be fucked up.  Sorry, but it's true.

Our direct connection to God is a one-way call while we're living on this planet, and that's okay with me.  I know this life we're living right now just is what it is, and I refuse to believe in a version of God who saves one baby from disaster but lets another suffer and die.  I don't believe in a cruel, picky kind of a deity.  If you'd like to believe in that kind of a malicious justice system, knock yourself out.  But I won't.

Despite all the beliefs I have heard from a whole lot of people, I have learned this much in my first 40 years: no one gets more of God's love based on how much they went to church or how often they cited scripture.  The only reason that formula makes so much sense to so many people is because it's how their own brains work.  They treat people better based on how they are treated (a very unChristlike philosophy by the way).  Instead, I believe the creator of all answers all calls from all people.  He listens, and She loves.  And everything that happens here on Earth?  It happens. 

But do keep calling!  Parents enjoy hearing from their children, after all.  They don't generally like hearing their children fight with each other though, so stop that!

God, Bless America?

May 26, 2014.

It isn't a command, right?  We're not ordering the creator of the universe to bless us.

And it isn't a statement of fact in the sense that we believe God blesses America more than any other country or people.

When we say, "God bless America," we are in fact asking God to bless America.  We're requesting assistance from God and Heaven for all the pursuits of truth and freedom we believe in.  We're praying for God's help and protection.  We're asking God to bless our troops who defend this country we love, and we're asking God to keep them and our country safe from harm. 

I can't help but philosophize about the phrase, because I hear it so often.  I don't hear, "God, bless my enemies," even though Jesus specifically told us to love our enemies and pray for those who hurt us.  Instead, I just hear people asking the creator of the universe to bless this one country. 

And guess what?  I want God to bless this country, and her people too!  I want God's blessings and protection whenever I can get them!  I love God more than my country, but I love my country too!  I love the troops who protect my country, and I want God to protect them always.  I genuinely believe we have an amazing country here, and whenever I come back to this land after venturing off to any of the other countries I've been lucky enough to visit, I always thank my blessings for this land I love.

But I cannot stop reminding people of the truths I began this reflection with: God is not our slave, waiting for a command from us like, "Bless America...now!" and God is not blessing any country or religious group more than another.  When we put our focus on the love of God, the one who speaks through his children of forgiveness and prayer, kindness and peace, we cannot help but already feel the blessings God gives us. 

So God, please bless America?  Please bless our troops just the way I pray you bless all troops in all countries on Earth.  I know you do not bless all ideologies of those whose aim is to bring about pain and death, judgment and slavery, but I pray you bless us all with the knowledge and spirit we need to make this a better planet.  I pray you bless America with the wisdom and insight necessary to make it an even greater country than it already is.  I pray you bless our leaders, of all political parties, with that same wisdom and insight.  And I pray my "God, bless America" prayer with all humility and gratitude for all the blessings I have received as a citizen of this great, great, great nation.  Amen, and thank you!