Day 66
Butter and I have been together now for well over 30 years. It's been a mostly wonderful relationship, if you can call it that, although truth be told, we have had our rough spots.
He's basically what you'd call a feeder, you see. He likes me plump. And I in turn have let him do this to me. I eat at him, and he in turn eats at me. It's a very, very unhealthy relationship, I know, but we love each other, okay?! It's real, damn it!
I don't expect you to understand, but butter just does something incredible to me. He makes me feel so much better about everything. I put him on toast or a bagel, and watch him just melt away slowly before I eat him up, and I just-- I just need him, you know?
But there have also been bad times, and because he's not here right now (or even knows how to use a computer), I can tell you the truth. He hurts me sometimes. He's not good for my health. He's even given me pimples. He makes me fat. The more I have of him, the more others are turned away, which is probably exactly what butter wants in the end. He wants me all to himself.
My partner Andy knows about him, by the way. It's been a constant issue in our relationship. Andy will tell me to just cut back a bit, to only see butter now and then, not every day, or even every week. And he's right, I know he's right. But it's hard. Butter is waiting for me at every supermarket, delicatessen, and restaurant. He's got me craving him all the time.
I've broken it off now and then, spent more of my culinary time with Country Crock spread, but Crock doesn't give me the same delight as butter does. Crock is nice and all, but she doesn't appeal to me as much as butter. And don't even get me started on the other man in my life (Hellmann's).
Ugh...I really don't know if I'll ever be able to break it off with butter. He's just always there calling to me, asking me to just give him another chance...and I do. Like a fool, I always do. I always take him back. But life with him is good too, you know? Butter is just so, so good. He makes me happy, and that's the most important thing, isn't it? Being happy?
I know he's not good for me, and I know our relationship is doomed to melt eventually, but if this is real love, I'm willing to take that chance. For 30-something years now, butter's always been there to make my life taste better. And if nothing else, that's worth the pimples and the extra gym time.
Some love is forbidden, some love is true, but my love for butter is just a long-term hydrogenated mass of caloric daydreams...and I'm okay with that.
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Note: You better believe this is the G-rated version of the story I could have told here!
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