My Worst Self

February 23, 2015
Day 299

In my books on Heaven and Hell, I created a word to describe the darkness we all hear whispering to us at times, the counter-force to conscience.  Fiardiakula (pronounced fee yard e ya coola) is like the devil on your shoulder, tempting you all the time.

Whether or not you believe in such things, we all have both good and bad thoughts all the time, and I feel it's important to own and recognize your worst self if you're ever going to conquer it.

My worst self is easy for me to spot, because it's the tendency in me to trump others' feelings over my own need to be right.  I bring people down, often publicly, or otherwise make a giant ass of myself trying to be funny or flirtatious in a most unattractive fashion.  Usually, I can spot this tendency in the moment or soon afterward, but other times it's just beyond me to see it.

I'm also immersed in my worst self when I expect more from people than they're willing to give me, when I judge others for not showering me with attention or love, or otherwise look down on them for giving me any less than the highest praise or support. 

Now don't get me wrong.  There are still good reasons to feel real emotional responses to real slights against us, but when we take it to the next level, we tread on dangerous ground.  Human beings are not Mad Libs.  You can't just write your own perfect story, filling in the blanks with real people and situations against reality.  Life will play out how it will, and the choices of other people will always be theirs, whether you like it or not.

So when I look at my worst self, my worst tendencies and unfair judgments of others, I don't do it to focus an unnecessary degree of attention on it or bring myself down.  Instead, I look at my worst self in order to find my better self, my highest self, my highest purpose.  My fiardiakula will always be there whispering in my ear, trying to convince me to believe the darkness, but if I really listen and focus on where it's coming from, I'll have a much better chance of finding light in the other direction.