Day 316
Have you ever looked in the mirror at home and wondered, What do other people really think of me? What do they make of me, who I am, how I talk, how I smile, what I'm doing with my life?
Maybe you don't consciously do it too much, but we all do it from time to time. We stare at ourselves in the mirror--really stare at ourselves--and try our best to see ourselves 100% objectively. Maybe we like the results, and maybe we don't. It all depends on how we're feeling that morning (and whether or not we've even washed our faces yet).
We all have two major self-worth components built into the fabric of our beings: one is the part of ourselves hardwired to self-preservation and self-love (in every good way), and the other is a mess of self-doubt tangled up inside us like an old pile of wires. The self-love part sustains most of us almost all of the time. We brush our hair and otherwise "clean up" for the world each day. We walk out the door without expecting anyone to insult our looks or critique the way we walk--we just don't even think about it. But the self-doubt part is always there too, often buried deep, yet so easily accessible in our darkest moments, and it's always ready to remind us how tangled up we are inside.
So I like to stop and think about this sometimes: what do my friends, family, coworkers, and other people in my life really think of me? Do I come across like someone who's got his shit together, or do they see the tangled cords of self-doubt looming just beneath my surface? Do they judge me for my weight or my age, wonder why I dress myself the way I do, comb my hair the way I do, or why I do this, that, or the other thing I'm always doing? Or do they feel like I'm doing well for myself? Do they love my writing? Do they hate my writing? Do they not even realize I write? Do they like the way I speak? Do they think I'm funny, or too sad, or too lazy, messy, or even scatterbrained?
I go through all these kinds of thoughts and more, and I just can't figure it out. I just can't seem to see what the world sees when they see me. And maybe...maybe that's just how it's supposed to be. I have just the two eyes, no more hidden underneath my hairline or below the collar of my shirt. I can't possibly ever hope to see through any other human being's eyes but my own. So why do I wonder so much what other people think of me? Why do any of us put ourselves through this kind of exercise so often?
At the end of the day, we've all just got to reconcile our own self-doubt with our own self-worth. Both forces will always be at work, whether we ever understand them or not. And the one that wins out in the end? Well, that'll be the one we listen to most often, so listen wisely. Think wisely too. Some self-doubt keeps us in check, but self-worth is a force worth believing in. Believe in yourself, and trust that your eyes are working very well when they see your beautiful face smiling back at you from the mirror!
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