The problem of family

A very small portion of my family posing for a portrait this past year.

June 22, 2014
          Day 53/365

There's a quote about family I've often thought of through the years: "Familiarity breeds contempt."

Awful, right?  But here's why it's true, and why it's also wonderful...

When we're born into a family, whether a small one like many are, or a super humungous one like mine, it's like being cracked open into a frying pan.  We're all destined to go through the same turmoil and pain before we get onto the breakfast plate of the world. 

No.  That's horrible, never mind that...

Being born into a family is like being born into a crock pot of crocks, and...

No.  I can do better.  Hang on.  I've almost got it now. 

Ah yes...

Being born into a family is like being stuck for hours in an elevator with strangers.  The more you all go through together, and the more time passes you by, the more you grow to know each other, and care about each other's lives.  You've all shared this unique experience through this same small bubble of time and space, and no one else outside the elevator truly understands the bonds you all now have.

And that's great, it really is.  But here's the problem with family: expectations are silly.

We cannot be expected to be best friends with every single member of our family, especially in a large one like mine is.  It's just not feasible.  You take any large group of human beings and put them in the same house for a span of time, and some will get along really well, while others will just want to kill each other.  There are many words to describe this phenomenon that any psychologist or sociologist can tell you, but perhaps the simplest is just "normal".

It's completely normal for us as human beings to gravitate toward some people and not others, whether or not we're blood related.  We forge connections throughout our lives that make lasting, meaningful relationships blossom and grow more than we could have ever predicted.  Sometimes these relationships are with family members, and sometimes they're with strangers who we make our friends.  No matter where we meet them though, in the cradle or at the restaurant table, the elevator analogy still stands.  Common experiences can forge bonds or they can push us away. 

It's normal.

Sometimes at large family gatherings, I look around me and feel so, so happy to know all these people.  I'm in love with life, and feel so much love everywhere I look.  Other times, often at the same gatherings with the same people, I feel lost and alone.  There are so many people around me, and I just stand back and try to appreciate the joy I see, even if I don't feel it particularly myself.  I feel like I'm in an elevator with strangers. 

Expectations are silly.  We cannot judge ourselves for not wanting to spend more time or energy with one person or group.  We cannot expect one person or group to want to spend more time with us either.  The elevator gets un-stuck after a time, and though we see each other in the lobby, and to and from work now and then, maybe at the occasional company gathering, we lose touch with some people.  And that's...okay.

Family is wonderful.  We have each other's backs, we go through so much together, and we do genuinely love each other very much.  The problem with family comes when we expect perfection, 'cause it just ain't gonna happen.  The elevator's gonna get stuck, the tempers are gonna fly, and the alarms are gonna piss us off.  Even in a tight-knit group, there are gonna be all different personalities.  We can drive ourselves mad about this fact, or we can smile at the beauty of our differences, and appreciate the ride we're all on together.