The Time I Couldn't Dive

I know the resemblance is uncanny, but
believe it or not, this is not a photo of me!

June 12, 2014
         Day 43/365

I'm titling this piece, The Time I Couldn't Dive, but I have to say right away, it's really been every single time!

The time that I'm thinking of more than any other though came at the end of my swimming lessons.  I'd already passed the beginner and intermediate courses, and was finally concluding my advanced swimming lessons at Malibu Beach Club in Lido Beach, New York.

I'd done so well up until that point, and the only thing I had to do to pass the advanced class was to just dive into the pool.  So simple, right?  I know for many of you, it is.  For me though?  It was just an invitation to certain pain and embarrassment.

Diving into a pool, any pool, has always been impossible for me.  And by impossible, I don't mean physically impossible, just mentally so.  Mentally speaking, getting my fingers, arms, and head into the water before any of the rest of my body is just...impossible.  I don't get it.  I don't want to get it.  I fail to get it.

I remind myself all the time that it isn't impossible, that one day, I will be able to leap head first into a pool and live to tell the tale...and more importantly, arise from the water without a bright red belly from an awful flop onto the surface. 

But I'm 39 years old, and to this day, I still haven't even tried to do it again.  I know I don't have to, but trust me, part of me still wants to!  I just don't want to have another belly flop.  I just don't want to fail.  I just don't want to not do it yet again. 

Where exactly is the failure taking place?  I don't know if I'm not forcing my head into the water the right way, or not pointing my toes, or maybe just not swinging my whole body at the right angle.  Or maybe it is all just fear.  Maybe I'm just afraid to practice, because practicing means certain pain, certain red bellies, and yes, certain embarrassment.

So is it fear that's getting the better of me, or is it just mechanics?  I imagine both, but beyond the fear itself is the desire.  I have to desire to practice, desire to try, desire to even fail until I succeed.  Before I can ever conquer the mechanics of the dive, or even conquer my fear of conquering the mechanics, I need to first conquer my desire to conquer my fear to conquer the mechanics! 

And my desire isn't there just yet.  I don't know if it ever will be there.  I tell myself it will be some day, but maybe it won't.  Maybe I'll just never try again, but at least I know where I'm at.  I know the challenge isn't about my red stomach or my red face of embarrassment.  It isn't about my pointed fingers, head, or toes either.  And it's not even about the fear in the moment.  It's about the desire to conquer the fear. 

I can do it.  I just know I can do it.  But I'm not ready yet. 

Maybe next summer.  Or the one after.  Or, you know, at least by the one after that.