The Me I Am

1993, Age 18, Rockville Centre, NY

January 12, 2015
Day 257

You ever do this?  I'll find pictures of myself, maybe old ones from high school or just 10 years back, and I'll look into my own eyes to try and learn something. 

What was that version of me thinking?  How was my body language revealing my fears to those around me?  What kind of self-image did I have?  Was I comfortable in my body, or unhappy with how I looked?

The me I am has changed so much over my lifetime, but whether I realize it or not, I'm still that same me.  I may not have the same fears, issues, or crushes.  I may not believe all the same things about God or people.  I may not even process my thoughts and feelings the same way anymore.  Yet the me I once was still is the me I am now.

I'm a product of all the time and learning I've received in this life, and I'm forever a result of all the mes that came before this me writing right now.

It isn't hard for me to look at photos of myself and cringe.  My discomfort now as I view them is only a mirrored effect of the discomfort I must have felt in a given photo.  Look at my hand clinched, I'll say to myself, or why didn't I smile?  Why did I think that pose was in any way correct for that photo?

We all do this, don't we?  Maybe we do it to different degrees, or more or less often than other people, but it's basic human nature to self-evaluate ourselves long after an image of ourselves is revealed.  It's completely normal to judge the you you once were against the you you are now.

Maybe you prefer the old you.  Maybe you prefer the new you.  Maybe you like both yous.  Maybe you don't like any of your yous.  Maybe your you now wants to slap the old you.  Maybe you wish the old you would leap through the photo and slap your present you.

2005 (I think) at Long Island Pride, Huntington, NY

We are, all of us, a result of every version of ourselves we ever were.  I am the me I used to be in the same way I am the me I am now.  You are the you you used to be in the same way you are the you you are now.  Our past is our present, because our past is all ours to learn from and grow with.  You can't teach your old you what you know now, but you can allow your old you to teach your new you in all new ways.

March 23, 2003, Rockville Centre, NY