Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Sex Outdoors, and Other Dating Adventures
There are some stories, and some details within stories, that I simply won't tell, at least publicly.
We've all had our share of good dates, bad dates, and crazy ones too, and I won't pretend to have had the most amazing experiences ever, but I've had a few adventures here and there.
There was the time I drove 7 hours to meet a guy in Virginia (should have taken me 6). I ceased to be a virgin that weekend, and no, it was not a fun experience. The guy had lied to me about his picture for starters (he was easily over 50 pounds heavier in 3D than in the 2D photo I'd seen). He was also just a real jerk, but I'd driven all that way, and he was crushing on me so much, so I just went through with it all anyway.
Another time, I met a guy for dinner, and watched with a mix of horror and amusement as he chewed down on a stack of saucy ribs like some kind of animal. Lucky for me though, he was an animal later on in the car too. We fogged those windows up pretty quickly, and he climbed over from the driver's seat and sat on my lap as we made out--like animals--for the next hour. It was actually really hot, but when I tried to plan a second date, he claimed he was just drunk that night, and didn't really like me.
I've told you already in this blog series about my time with the gorgeous nymphomaniac, and of course Igor, the Gap Guy, but I never mentioned either of the mouth-below-the-belt experiences I had underneath the Long Beach boardwalk, or inside my car parked at a different beach months later. And threesomes? I've had a couple, and they were...alright. Some of it was fun, but a lot of it was just awkward. Too many baristas in the kitchen sometimes, you know?
And perhaps my most exciting--too exciting--story was the time I had sex outdoors. We drove up through a quiet neighborhood, and found a dark area without any street lights. I parked and we started making out, but after 15 minutes or so, I decided we should re-park again somewhere else to be safe, in case anyone was watching. I drove up a bit more and spotted a very dark area ahead of us, which turned out to be a neighborhood baseball field.
Well, we were in the shadows just off third base, and by this point we were well past third base, if you catch my drift. It was July 4th weekend, and fireworks were going off above us nearby. It was all so perfect, until I saw the other lights nearby: police car lights by my car. Oh. My. God! Let me tell you something. You have never seen pants get pulled up so quickly, or blood stop rushing to certain body parts. I'm a good actor when I want to be, so I was over there fairly quickly, and acting calm and cool. "Hey officer, is there a problem?" "Is this your car?" he asked. I told him it was. "You can't park here," he said, and very quickly, very calmly, my date and I were driving away.
There's actually quite a bit more to that particular story, but I will definitely not be telling it here, as I've already gone into major TMI territory! I have to admit though, there's something really fun about spilling these kinds of beans, so give me a few drinks sometime, and maybe I'll spill some more.