It's Time

April 25, 2015
Day 360

My time as a 30-something, like my time writing this blog, is quickly running out, or away, or ending, or I'm ending it, or something.  I've always been fascinated by time, especially at how much control we let it have over our lives, so I'd like to just think on it a bit here today.

Time is this gigantic construct we as human beings have formed into our lives to the point that we rely on it to keep us on track every second of every day, but it's also the greatest mystery still beyond our comprehension.  Take any so-called believer in God and any so-called non-believer back to the Big Bang, and you'll quickly find yourself with two people scratching their heads.  One might point to the time before time as this mysterious solitude when God was just waiting to create, and the other might point to it as this mysterious solitude when creation was about to create itself.  For many of us, neither of these explanations works, and we reach that point every adult reaches when we say, "You guys really don't know what you're talking about, do you?"

I've always loved the quote by Edwin Conklin, who said, "The probability of life originating from accident is comparable to the probability of the Unabridged Dictionary resulting from an explosion in a printing factory."  I know there's more to science than this, and life has proven over and over again just how capable it is of forming itself into new creatures with new abilities, but you've got to also appreciate the appreciation by Mr. Conklin too.  Whether you believe in God or not, we've certainly all come a long, long way over time.

This leads me to my main question, the question I've thought about most of my adult life: if time is a construct of a larger space time reality, in which space and time are interwoven and always have been, then why can't we see previously occurring events more clearly?  If we can see and measure space, even dark matter now, why can't we somehow see real events that have already happened?  I've had enough powerful dreams over the course of my first 40 years on this planet to recognize how flexible time is, how memory works too, yet when I'm fully conscious and aware, not asleep or in some overly reflective state, why can't I then too see the past in front of me?  Why is it so hidden?  And indeed, can the future reveal itself in the same way?  If there are more and more people out there (who we've only discovered in the age of the internet) with powers to predict or warn of future events, why can't we all somehow see time the way we see all the constructs of space...all this stuff around us?

Deep thoughts, sure, but they're deeper than I want them to be!  I want the depths to be such that I can plunge myself into them from time to time, and pull out gold nuggets of truth from the caves of my brain or even the recesses of my soul.

I'm turning 40 years old next Friday, May 1st, 2015, yet I truly don't feel that I have lived forty years yet (or even five-and-a-half days short of it).  If tasked to determine my age based on how I've felt the passing of time, I'd guess at a number closer to 30 years, maybe 32.  This number has nothing to do with how I feel in mental or physical age either, or how old I think I look.  It's only how old I feel as far as the length of time I've been a human being on Planet Earth.

I know life is easier, and indeed more fun too when we just think on all the silly things, or the funny or strange events that have happened to us, as I've done so much over this past year, but I couldn't let the end of this year of my life pass by without pausing, just for today, to honor the mystery.  I am a believer in God, but I'm also wise enough to respect and honor the science that seeks to answer so many of the same questions I have. 

Time is passing by, and it's walking next to us, and it's even walking behind us too.  I don't know what time is, but I know it's much bigger than all its little parts.  Time is not just seconds and minutes whipping around in a circle.  It's the face of the clock itself.  It's the face that sees with its own kind of eyes and peers out with its own knowing none of us with any kind of mind--scientific or spiritual--can quite figure out.  Still, we'll keep trying, wrestling with the concept, for all the time we have.

Looking Around, Catching Your Breath

December 29, 2014
Day 243

I paused my reflections yesterday to add a little Christmas story I thought up (one I knew some of you would laugh at and others would hate), but today I'm back to reflecting mode again. 

Reflection and mood swings seem to be part and parcel this time of year, the time when you literally turn off your brain's computer more than normal, ahead of a reboot come January 1st.

We know New Year's Eve is coming up on Wednesday, but we don't think as much about the fact that 2015 starts this Thursday.  It's coming up so quickly, yet time seems to slow down for us, just so we can look around and catch our breath.  I have a lot more to muse on tomorrow and Wednesday, but right now I'm just in that morning-haze mode where I've just woken up, and can't yet see what's out in front of me.

It feels right to feel this way today, so I'm going with it.  Before I add up my accomplishments, joys, and sorrows of 2014, and before lining up my resolutions for 2015, I need this time right here first, this time to just look around and be.  A whole year has now passed, and a whole new year awaits.  Right now though?  Now is the time to catch our breath and lose ourselves in thought.  Now is the time to just sit back and muse for a while as we peer through a cloudy morning in late December.

All This Extra Time

December 27, 2014
Day 241

Earlier this month, I got a new computer for the first time since 2005.  Everything with it was awesome, except our internet speed was still lagging.  It was becoming more and more obvious we needed a new modem. 

Almost at the same time, my Ethernet cord broke--the little piece on the end snapped off.  So on Christmas Eve, we finally received a new modem and cord in the mail.  Yes!  Life is good!

I now have a computer that boots up in less than 30 seconds, instead of the 45 minutes it used to take (no exaggeration!), and we have internet that works at the speed it's actually supposed to.  Who knew life could be so easy?!

The only problem is, I've got so much more time on my hands all of a sudden, and I'm not accurately filling it with the right things.  This world was already filled with enough distractions to keep me away from housework, laundry, cleaning, reading, and writing.  Now I've got even more time on my hands, and I'm not putting it to good use.

The new year is just four-and-a-half days away now, so I think this would be an excellent addition to my list of resolutions.  It'll go right behind weight loss, and just ahead of finding ways to make more money.  I think this would be an excellent resolution for the new year, so I'm going to try my very best to make it happen once and for all!  2015: I'm taking back control of my life!

Right now though?  I need to catch up on YouTube.

Running Out Of Time

October 4, 2014
Day 157

Eek!  October is speeding along at a rapid pace already, and I'm still accidentally writing September at work.  Yesterday at my proofreading job, I printed out calendar pages for October, November, and December, so part of my brain is now officially looking into the beginning of 2015.

Yes, it's still months away, and yes, I care deeply about the here and now, and all these many days and blogs before December 31st, but I'm also counting the weeks.  There are only 12 full weeks left now in the year!  Twelve!!!

Time is flying by so quickly, and if I blink, I might miss all the pumpkin spice coffees, Halloween chocolates, and butternut squash raviolis ahead of me. 

Hmm. 

Okay, so maybe my stomach could actually be helped by missing some of that, but I don't want to!  I like all the pumpkin-flavored everythings this time of year (even though most of it is just chemically induced imaginations of something that slightly resembles pumpkin).

All I know is, time's running out on my October, my fall, my holiday season, and my year.  Yes, it's still only October 4th, but in a few weeks, it'll be Halloween, and in a few weeks after that, it'll be Thanksgiving.  Then Christmas shopping will surely begin immediately after dinner that night, before the leftover cranberry sauce is even scraped off the plates.

Tomorrow will be here before I know it, and the tomorrows after that are staring at me from my calendar pages.  Soon enough, these empty days will be filled in or crossed out, and I'll be staring at a glass of champagne in my hand with the seconds counting down to midnight! 

Okay, okay, I know, I'm getting ahead of myself...a little.  Can I just ask one favor of you though, Father Time?  Can you let me drink a few more sips of this pumpkin-spice coffee before you play the Radio City Christmas commercial again?  I know Christmas makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but so do those bite-size pieces of chocolate I'm supposed to save for the Trick-or-Treaters, so I'd appreciate you giving us all these days slowly now, or at least at the usual pace of the clock, okay?  Please?  Thank you! 

The Last 4 Months of the Year

September 6, 2014
Day 129

This is it!  We're now faced with the last four months of the year!  We coast along through July and August, not looking too hard at the calendar... trying not to, actually.

And then, quite suddenly, it's September.  In the United States, we still have quite a heat wave all over, so the temperatures and facts of summer are still very much with us, but there's no reversing the machine that has now started up.  There's no emergency stop button, no glass to break and ax to grab, no call center waiting to help us through this.

(The Butterball Hotline doesn't count.)

What we're faced with now is an unstoppable train ride to the year 2015.  It'll move along at the regular speed, of course, but because of the change of seasons, the motives of marketers, and the big holidays we do actually look forward to, 2014 will seem to be moving at close to light speed.

So what can you do?

You can make a conscious choice to enjoy the many little moments of every day of the next four months.  New Year's Eve, Christmas, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving, and even Halloween are still off in the future.  As much as Kmart, Hallmark, and even Coca-Cola will try to convince you that you have just hours left now to buy your costume, prepare your meals, and wrap your presents, it's all a crock of shiitake.  It's a lie!

September has only just begun.  Enjoy it!  Even when October arrives, it's still another month before Halloween shows up.  Enjoy October too.  And so on.  Just because several major events on the calendar all fall within the same few months does not mean there's not still lots and lots of other days waiting for you to appreciate as well.

So make a conscious choice right here and right now.

LIVE these last four months of the year.  Don't just live for these last four holidays!

Summer's Flying By

July 30, 2014
          Day 91

If you're anything like me, the last week of July automatically turns you into a philosopher. 

"Wow, the summer is totally flying by!"

"Oh man, just one month left now!"

and...

"Wait, August is this week?"

And the worst part is (I hate to tell you this), Labor Day this year is on September 1st.  Yep.  The 1st!  That means as soon as September arrives, summer is unofficially OVER.  DONE!  KAPUT!  FINISHED!  Sometimes September gives us a few days or even a week to adjust, but this year, you can be sure that once September arrives, you may as well pack those white shirts away and start decorating for Halloween, because baby, the good times of summer will be G O N E !!!

The good news is, we still have another month to go!  It hasn't happened yet!  This summer feeling, these summer days, that summer warmth?  It's all... still... here!

So what will YOU do with the next 32 days before September 1st arrives?  Even if you don't have money, you can still find things to do to pass the next month or so, right?  Of course you can!  You just need to take the time to do it.  And if needed, make the time to do it.  Seize the day, seize the hour, seize the minute, and just absorb all of the summer you can grab hold of, and don't let go.

Summer flies by every year, but this one hasn't flown us by yet!  So make sure to enjoy as much of it as you can, and as often as you can.  We only get so many summers in this life, and this one's right here, right now, and right and ripe for the picking!

I need a vacation from vacation

Not sunburned...just the weird glare of the computer flash. :)

July 24, 2014
Day 85

Our flight landed in New York sometime after 10 PM last night, so I got to bed by 12:30 this morning ahead of a 7:30 alarm.  I know, I have no right to complain, as so many get less sleep than this all the time.  But couple this with the time difference and the post-vacation haze, and I'm one sleepy Seanny!

Have you ever said the phrase, "I need a vacation from vacation"?  Have you ever felt this post-vacation haze, the frustrating challenge of getting back to the grindstone right away, of readjusting to so-called "normal" life?  It's rough coming back to work right after vacation!  I could have planned today and tomorrow off from work, to ease myself back, but I didn't.  I chose to save these days for another trip.  Andy, on the other hand, was smart.  He's almost definitely still in bed at home as I write this.

Colorado and Wyoming are now two time zones behind me, and though all my photos and memories of the region came back to New York with me, the beauty of that part of the country remains there.  I hope to get back, but you never know, you know? 

Maybe this is another trait of turning 40 I have to accept: the older you get, the less certain you are you'll ever get back to a certain place again.  I'm sure this feeling grows and grows as we age, but at 39, I'm only just starting to feel it.  I've vacationed all over the place, but at some point, will it be my last chance to see a place before I die?  At what point is a trip somewhere more like a farewell tour than a booze cruise? 

Well, I guess I'll let thoughts like that simmer in the far back part of my brain for now!

Today, my trip to Colorado and Wyoming is behind me.  Ahead of me, I see a weekend, various plans with friends and family over the next few weeks, and best of all, another vacation at the end of August!  But right now, I need copious amounts of coffee poured into my mouth...multiple cups at a time, if at all possible! 

I need a vacation from vacation, but I'll happily settle for a light work day followed by some extra sleep tonight if I can.  Maybe by tomorrow, I'll be a bit more ready to grab hold of that grindstone.

June's Many Meanings

June 1, 2014.......Day 32/365

June means many things to me... 

It brings back memories of high school graduation, when I knew I'd be entering a monastery just two weeks later.  It brings back memories of that day I entered the monastic life--June 29th, 1993.  And it reminds me of the many gay pride events I've celebrated. 

I didn't just attend my first gay pride parade, I participated in it!  My friend Christopher invited me to march with his group from Queens College, and I happily agreed.  And though I've attended the NYC Pride Parade, the Montreal Pride Parade, and the Long Island Pride Parade several times since, none have matched the awesome feeling of marching down the streets of Manhattan.  I'll never forget the cheers all along the way, especially as they grew upon entering The Village.  I'll never forget the NYU kids cheering us on like we were the most famous people they'd ever seen.  Maybe they weren't cheering that much, and we definitely weren't the most famous people in the parade that year, but the atmosphere was just that kind of charged, and completely amazing. 

We even came upon a political figure whose poor history with the New York City gay community was unknown to me at that time.  He turned his back on the gay community at the dawn of the AIDS crisis, and though many suggested for years that he himself was a closeted homosexual too, I never heard any of this when I marched that year.  Mayor Ed Koch stood by himself that day as I recall, a quiet figure in his own quiet space on a side street, literally draped in shadows.  But he was there.  Many from Queens College ran over to shake his hand, but I was still shy, and nervous, and stayed back.  It was cool to see him there, though, and I hope no matter where his personal attractions were, that he made peace with his life and his political mistakes before he died last year.

When I think of June, I also think of my own pride community on Long Island.  I remember the work, though little, I did for them, and I think of the many, many people I've met along the way.  I think of the brief time I worked for the Pride Parade on Long Island, and I think of the times I marched in the Long Island Pride Parade.  And it is with great honor and humility that I reflect on the joy I experienced representing a group I started, called Long Island Gay Friends.  Along with our sister group, Dinner Anyone (created by my good friend Ken Arenson), Long Island Gay Friends was the Group Grand Marshal one year. 

I did really good work, and I helped people meet others.  I don't know how many friendships or even relationships happened because of Long Island Gay Friends, but I know there were some.  And that does my heart very, very good!

There are so many happy memories that come to mind when I think of the month of June, but two more very special ones include my partner Andy.  It was June 7th in 2001 that Andy first sent me a message online, in response to an online profile I had up.  He took the chance that day to contact me, and I am forever a happier human being because he did.  And on June 30th, 2009, Andy and I bought our home together.  We're happy to be here almost 5 years already!

Many of my happiest memories were born in June, so as the calendar page turns yet again, these are just some of the things that come to mind today.  I hope whatever your June memories are, they are sweet ones, and filled with color.

Choose Your Speed

May 23, 2014.

Each afternoon during my lunch break, I like to drive over to the park near my job, and eat my salad right there in my car.  That way, it's easy to just jump out afterward and begin walking.

All around the park on the nicest days, people of all ages and speeds are out walking.

I walk quickly past an older couple in their 70s, and feel a pang of guilt, as if I'm showing off or something.  I often send out a telepathic message to them that says, "I'm on my lunch break, so I have to keep moving quickly!  Otherwise I'd walk slowly like you...not that you're walking slowly or anything!"

Very often I'll pass people who are right around the speed I prefer to go, so I have to speed up to get past them, then time it just right to start slowing back down to regular speed once I'm far enough in front.  It's like a game, or a science.  An art form really...the kind of art I hate.

The runners, though?  They make me feel like an old slowpoke as they whir past me.  "Oh, I used to walk," I imagine them telling me, "I used to just meander around like you, as slow as can be, but now I can do this."  How rude!  I admire them anyway though, and hope to some day join them!

No matter what speed we're all going though, fast or slow, we're all enjoying the trip.  We all chose to go to this park and move around a bit.  None of the people I see there live in the park, as far as I can tell, but whether it's from our homes or our jobs, we've all decided to take some time to be with nature.  We've all made the time to move around this beautiful park, smell the freshness of late spring, and bask in the sunlight bursting through the treetops.

The speed with which we all move is irrelevant, and the time it takes me to get around the large path is neither better nor worse than the time it takes others.  We're all just appreciating the park, and appreciating the blessings of time itself.